Friday, 21 March 2008

"Affectations can be dangerous."

No Good Boyo took me for our first drive the other day.

He hit a drainpipe, scraped a wall, and drove into a ditch from which he extricated the car only by taking felt off a shed roof to provide traction. He then knocked over a fence post.

Fifteen minutes later, we emerged from our drive. I am not making this up.

The highlight of the rest of the afternoon was a u-turn ("I'm pretty sure this is illegal, you know!") in a narrow country lane, performed for reasons that still escape me.

Mentions are also due for the creative use of windscreen wipers to indicate a left turn and a long and agonised search for the back wiper on a saloon car that naturally does not have one.

The trip to Highgate Cemetery will have to wait.


Gorilla Bananas said...

Bravo, Mr Boyo! Once he's got the hang of the gears, the steering will improve over time. Ah, a new world of picnics in country meadows opens up before the Boyo clan!

M C Ward said...

Spinechilling stuff!

Here in the south, we are lucky enough to receive a broadcast called "Videos Incríveis", in which assorted halfwits are caught on camera reversing up motorways, driving over roundabouts, jumping red traffic lights and colliding with police cars. I don't know if they pay for footage, but it may be worth getting a video camera just in case.

Mrs Boyo said...

Mr Ward, I expect the Thames Valley Police are giving their CCTV compilation its final edit as we write.

Mr Bananas. It pains me to say this, but our car is automatic.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Yes, the trip to Highgate Cemetery - in a black horse-drawn carriage, with Fidel and Raúl Castro, Glenys B. Kinnock and the spirit of Cayo-Evans as the pallbearers, to a plot of ground next to Karl Marx - will have to wait until Boyo's luck as a driver finally runs out!

Gyppo Byard said...

Reminds me of a driving lesson with my father many years ago during which he insisted that I shold reverse into a parking space like a gadje. I reversed in gingerly, trying to follow his instructions -

"Left hand down, left hand down - now straighten up. Straighten up, Back, back - "


"Stop! Now let's see what damage you've done..."

Mrs Boyo said...

Shh, Mr Dilo. My birthday present for Boyo is his very own grave, but I haven't told him yet.

Byard, perhaps you could explain why cars have reverse gears. Regular visits to Waitrose car park have established that no one knows how to use the.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Very thoughtful, Mrs B, it's what he would have wanted.

Gyppo Byard said...

Reverse gears are to ensure that when you've run over one of they Mullinses and they is still twithchings, you can go back and finish they jobs, bor.

Mrs Boyo said...

Thank you, Byard. I would always endeavour to complete the job in a forward gear, although the spectacle of your foe emerging slowly from under the bonnet must gladden the purloined Romany soul.