Thursday, 22 January 2009

Un cœur simple


It is easy and rewarding to jeer at No Good Boyo, especially now that bear-rolling has been outlawed in Ukraine, but he does have some noble qualities.

One is his conviction of that everything he has ever done is a pleasure to behold, and an honour if he did it to you.

Earlier this week I finally managed to translate his college diary, with the help of the Welsh Academy's daunting dictionary and by asking Boyo what it all meant during his evening appreciation of Voskoboynykiv's latest vat of monkey juice.

I read that two of his college conquests subsequently "became" lesbians and joined convents. Now Boyo's tastes in the érotique are catholic rather than Catholic, and he has little time for the "nuns with guns" sub-genre, so we can assume that all he wrote was true.

I asked him how it felt to know that one boudoir encounter with him was enough to make two young women realise not only that they are homosexual but also that a life of prayerful chastity is the only way to regain their self-worth.

Boyo was watching John Carpenter's The Fog, a film that he maintains is a witty deconstruction of Conquista myths. But then he also thinks leprosy is caused by "too much rabbits". He paused in his viewing, focused on my shoulder and delivered himself of the opinion that:

"One night with me and they both knew no ordinary man would ever be enough. So they dyked up and went to try out some nuns. Makes sense, innit?"

I said nothing. Perhaps he felt he had been a little crass, as he added:

"It was separate nights, not both of them together. Though that would have explained where they got the idea from, mind."

A slot on Radio 4's Thought For The Day beckons.





7 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Boyo's bragging must have left a bad taste in their mouths, making them ripe for a bit of dykery, if only to cleanse their palettes.

scarlet-blue said...

Mr Boyo must live in a fog. Poor thing.
Sx

Gadjo Dilo said...

I bet stout Cortez knocked off a few nuns in his time, perhaps as compensation for not being the first whitey to discover the Pacific Ocean.

Gyppo Byard said...

Alas, poor Gyppo - though my ex-girlfriends include a dyke and a nun, they are two separate persons and have, AFAIK, never met.

Personally, I think you should start work on 'Boyopedia' - an online repository of all the things Boyo has ever said after which he used the word 'ffact!' It would enrich humanity...

Kevin Musgrove said...

A Boyopedia would be a fine thing that many of us could live by. A sort of Boys' Own Paper for the modern world.

M C Ward said...

Can we discount the theory that they both had religious experiences while within Boyo's furtive clutches?

No Good Boyo said...

They told me they'd become lesbians next time I suggested some adult fun. When I asked the time after that they said they'd taken holy orders. Still a mystery to me, frankly.